Sunday, August 14, 2011

Sue Sylvester`s Chicago Anthem

Ask any of the bobbleheads on my squad
They’ll say I’m feared more than the wrath of God
I hate them all and all of them hate me
Because the system works, the system called fierce brutality

Got a little motto always sees me through
If you irritate me I will punish you
There’s a lot of people I wish did not exist
Schuester and your Glee freaks you’re top of my list

The law says not to torture kids and claims I’m merciless
But rights are bleeding heart ideas for dumb socialists

Don’t you know their spirits need to be destroyed?
When you coddle artists they’ll be unemployed

Still surprised you’re picked on by the kids at school?
Maybe take a hint that sequins aren’t that cool
People are offended by your lame jazz hands
That’s why all you pop hacks have no facebook friends

Jewish girl have your ego checked, you’re not Celine Dion
Porcelain you are a dude, so don’t wear silk chiffon

Let’s say that your music makes me want a gun
Man I wish our President was Republican

So what’s the one conclusion I could bring this number to?
If you’re in the Glee Club I’ll humiliate you!

*In this imaginary episode Glee Nationals are in Chicago, so there's lots of fun covers of the musical "Chicago".  (For the record I wrote this the year that Nationals was in New York, and I had absolutely no idea it was going to be in Chicago the following season.)  Best to picture the above to the tune of "When You're Good To Mama" but instead of Queen Latifah it's Sue Sylvester.  And it's less a statement about corruption in the legal system than a statement about how much Sue wants to destroy Glee Club... Again. Obviously I don't actually mean any of this, particularly the bit about wishing the President was Republican.  That part was really painful to write. Also I'm the #1 fan of the Geneva Conventions, so torturing children = bad. 

Dear Journal,

‘Twas the week before Glee Nationals and all through McKinley
Shrill pubescent voices were making my ears bleed        
Sounding like rejects off American Idol
I couldn’t help but feel just a little homicidal

The children were brutalizing more classic rock ballads
While delusions of stardom danced in their heads
Their excitement was filling my mouth up with vomit
They needed to be stopped and I had to get on it

I’d lied and I’d blackmailed, assaulted and cheated
But all my plans to destroy them had so far been defeated
Why were they so resilient to my campaign of terror?
What would it take to ruin Glee Club forever?

You Think That's Hard?

Try telling Chuck Norris you just ran over his cat.  That's hard!

Reaching For the Gold

Teacher I have done my homework and read all the texts
But education hasn’t taught what happens to me next
I know history but not the future
An A in math but life not so sure
Will I get married?  Will I be poor?
Where’s that in my SAT score?

We’re living out our mysteries
And taking on uncertainty
We don’t know what the future holds
But we’re breaking out and reaching for gold

Did I make the right decision?  Will I make my mother proud?
No more curfews or vegetables.  No more asking if I’m allowed
Is there anything that I should know?
One last pep talk before the big show
A journey of joy and high achieving
As long as I don’t stop believing

It’s time to start a new life but I won’t forget the past
Lessons learned I’m wiser now.  It’s all gone by so fast
I’m on my own with the world to take
I’ll make mistakes but they’re mine to make
And when life hits those rocky bits
My hopes and dreams will guide me through it

*Part 2 of Nationals set list.  This upbeat ditty follows the sappy coming-of-age "Voices" with equal parts sap.  In my head there are a lot of sparkles.  A LOT of sparkles!


In my room you can’t hear me I’m scared
I’m not ready to face the crowd
Don’t have the voice of an angel but I dream in the stars
I just have to sing out loud
And suddenly it seems the world is listening to what I have to say
All eyes on me now ‘cause today is my day

A voice is to sing so put your spirit in verse
A voice makes your choices for better or worse
A voice is to teach, guiding light through the darkest day
Thank-you for singing and showing me the way

I sing in the shower when there’s no one around
But it all sounds so hollow and empty
Wasting away and I don’t even care
Just as long as nobody can hear me
I’m so afraid of getting one note wrong but not this time the stage is mine
The spotlight’s on and now it’s my time to shine

It’s time for curtain call
Just take a breath and stand up tall
Will I rise or fall?
No regrets as long as I give it all

*In my imagination Finn & Rachel are singing this exceedingly sappy piece at Nationals about growing up and taking chances.  This casting may no longer be appropriate.

I Hate Will Schuester's Hair

Look at me when I’m talking to you Sue.

I can’t Will, you know why?  Because I worry there’s some rare man eating beast lurking within the depths of that curly mane feasting on all the products you marinate your scalp in.   Every day it grows bigger and stronger until one day it unleashes its fury.  Billions will be devoured, forcing the survivors into hiding where they’ll have to forage for insects and berries to sustain mankind.  Your hair is a menace to society and I’m genuinely afraid to stare directly at it.

Brittany Fails Science

Brittany, this is actually the worst score I've ever seen in all my years as a teacher. Look, here's an answer where you made 9 different mistakes.  And that's just your name.

Sometimes I forget how to make a 'T' so I draw a cat.

I don`t even think you studied at all.

I was super sick.  Erectile dysfunction.

Erectile dysfunction?

The doctor said it was serious.  I could die.


Gravity is the magnetic force that pulls things toward the earth, so when you drop something it falls on the ground instead of floating.

So it’s gravity’s fault I got dropped on my head all the time? My dad said it was my mom.